I’ve done nothing but eat, breathe and work here lately so I’ll throw out a few random things here to keep the grim reaper from casting her net over my blog again. A net no doubt made from a broomstick, wire hanger and an old pillow case.
Dear old Mom has been making do with dialup internet service and I finally got off my lazy ass and did something about it. Chased down a kind of a deal at SBC for basic DSL at $10 a month for the first year. If she likes it we can continue on for $20 a month after that, upgrade the speed or make a deal with her cable company. The cable company has some all inclusive thing for not too bad a price. I think I signed her up last Monday. The site said shipping would take 3-5 days. It wanted to start billing her for it in 2 days. It gave me the option to delay the start of the billing. When it said the kit would arrive in 3 to 5 days I always assume 5 days. I was going to be doing the self-installation on it and wouldn’t be able to do it til Monday the 9th.(yesterday, by the time I’m done typing) It allowed me to delay the the start of billing until the 9th. Cool! Piece of cake!
Though I was having the package sent to her address, because hey, it’s on her bill, it also gave me the option to have notifications sent to my email and cell phone so as not to bother her with it. She just turned 81, and though she’s still a pretty sharp old gal, her hearing is not too good and this sort of thing would all sound sort of greek to her even if she could hear it.
So they send me the confirmation email of the transaction and throw in an oh-by-the-way, you won’t be able to install the service until at least 8pm on the evening your account is activated. Which meant that I wasn’t going to be able to go over there Monday morning and do this, so it all just kind of blew up in my face.
BUT, it did give me a phone number to call after 48 hours for answers to questions and help. I wanted to get the time moved up to Friday the 6th so maybe I could install it over the weekend. So after 48 hours I called the number, gave the computerized voice the number of the account I wanted to discuss (Mom’s) and the phone number I wanted all further interactions to take place at (mine) and waited for awhile to get a live human on the line. After the human takes Mom’s phone number again and mine again and my email, she comes to the conclusion that I need another number.
So I call that number. It picks up on the first ring. A computerized voice tells me it is no longer in service and gives me another number to call.
The number it gives me to call is the number I initially called.
So I call the first number again and give them Mom’s number again and my number again and am given a few choices of which department I’d like to talk to. Obviously I pick another department. It tells me that all available personnel are now busy and my approximate waiting time will be 5 minutes. 35 minutes later a real live english speaking human male answers the phone. He takes down Mom’s number and my number and gets my email address. He listens to my plea of trying to alter the activation date again and though he is unable to help me, he thinks he knows a number that can. He gives me the number. It’s the same number I called him on.
I tell him this and I can hear his gears grinding on the other end. He gives me another number for billing in my region. He says I’ll actually need Mom’s account number but that they should be able to take care of it. Cool!
I call Mom to get her account number. She’s not home. I try her again an hour later. Still not home and for some reason she doesn’t have her answering machine connected.
I send her an email detailing the lay of the land and ask her to send me the info.
She calls a little later and gives me the info. She also says the UPS man has left a package with my name on it at the front door. The package had come in 2 days, not the 3 to 5. That means I could have actually installed it that evening if I hadn’t been so damned smart and changed the activation date.
By this time the business hours are over for the day so I’ll have to call them Thursday when I crawl out of bed.
The time comes, I make the call, give them Mom’s number, give them my number, wait for a half hour. A very pleasant sounding woman takes Mom’s number again and my number again. Though she’s very courteous and patiently listens to my plea, she says there’s no way I can move my time up. She assures me there’s much more to the process than flipping a switch. I tell her I’m installing it and it will just be my computer talking to their’s. It’s not like they will have one person there devoted to my installation. It’s all to no avail. It won’t happen til Monday which means I’m not doing it til Tuesday.
So I call Mom and give her the news. She doesn’t give a shit. When it happens, it happens. Old people got it all figured out. She does tell me that SBC has left a message on her machine telling her when the activation will take place. You know, the message they were supposed to leave on mine after I’d given them my number a bunch of times specifically for that purpose.
Ok, this is all taking more words than I’d planned on so I’ll layout the rest of the notes in outline form.
Flip bathroom light switch Friday, no juice.
Check breaker, breaker is good.
pull switches to check possible overheating. Switches look good.
Call electrician. Electrician can’t come til first thing Monday. OK
Saturday rains all day. Decide it’s a good day to organize all the crap in my computer room. Run out to Meijer’s to pick up some cheap shelving and filing units. Am constantly dodging these people in motorized chairs. Since when did we have so many people that can’t fucking walk?
Stop at Fazoli’s drive-thru on way home because I’m too lazy to boil my own pasta water. Supposed to be trudging through a half marathon the following day. Pasta good!
Check nutrients on their website as I’m forking it in. 1000 calories and 4 times as much salt as a can of Campbell’s soup. Good God!!!
Next day comes and can see a lines of t-storms moving through area. Lightning scares the crap out of me. Run is held, I’m not there. Another doable one in Michigan the last weekend of the month. I’ll watch the weather and decide then.
Meantime, storm rolls through
Sounds like somebody is throwing rocks at the house.
Actually it’s 60 mph winds blowing pine cones off trees and hurling them at the house.
I get home from work Monday early AM. As a force of habit, I throw the light switch in the bathroom, the juice comes on. Everything works.
7AM brings the electrician.
He can’t get it to not work. Obviously something wrong. Hard to tell when the damn thing works.
Going to install that DSL for Mom today.
Wish me luck.
insert smiley face here


  1. Oh my. How many Fuckers does it take to drive the running man insane? Just one withe multiple phone numbers that all connect to his computer voice.

    I loved this part: “She doesn’t give a shit. When it happens, it happens. Old people got it all figured out.”

    I’m so surprised to hear the internet provider is not Comcast. Because Comcast sucks and everything is Comcast’s fault.

    Oh, I declare SBC’s issues Comcast’s fault.

    See, it always does come back to being Comcast’s fault. Fuckers.

    • I’m sure Comcast and SBC are related somehow. Maybe they’re both the spawn of an incestous relationship between 2 evil Rupert Murdoch types. I have to hold myself back here as I fear I’m about to channel Lyndon LaRouche.

  2. p.s. My net is made from a broomstick, wire hanger and discarded fairy dresses from my kids’ closets. So you know the net is pink.

    • Brian will be happy to hear that, He may want to incorporate that into the manufacture of his new pond net.

  3. Alright, where the h did you get that plug in for the comments, to reply within the comment. Effer, you’re making me look like an amateur. Also please tell me you’re on an archaic version of WordPress like I am 2.2.2.

    Yes I fear the upgrade and losing everything.

  4. When did we switch lives? That sounds exactly like my life, except I say “fuckinghell” but it does usually involve my 80 year old mother and electricity too.

    • I don’t have a guard cat, but outside of that there are some definite paralells. “Fuckinghell” has alot of merit. It’s a bit of a cross of the U.K.’s “bloody hell” and my favorite “fucker”. (“my favorite fucker” sounds like it could have been a good underground TV show in the 50’s)

      • I have nothing to add except I would totally enjoy seeing repeats of “My Favorite Fucker” on TV Land. I imagine it would be filmed in black and white and have an upbeat, catchy opening tune while the stars gave exaggerated smiles with their names underneath.

        And of course there would be the favorite last person who’s tag would read “and Frank Costello as Uncle Harry.”

        • And every episode would end with somebody saying, “Oh, Harry…you’re my favorite fucker!!!” And there’d be wild canned applause and laughter and the credits would begin to roll below a disgruntled Uncle Harry’s face framed in a heart shaped box.
          I’m looking at this comment setup and wondering how THIS blog would look under the same setup. Can you imagine this?:
          I stumbled on this earlier today. Now that’s what I call an active comments section.

          • (Spits coffee at the computer screen)



            comments? Damn. Can you imagine the mile long scrolling it would take to get to the bottom?

            Getting back to the point, I think there might be a YouTube series trying to be born called “My Favorite Fucker.”

  5. Well, I took a look around that blog and I’m sure that somewhere around the margins I saw that it only had 13 subscribers. So it has really become like a community message board.
    And getting back to your point, that YouTube series will also likely star an ornery little girl name Claire with prairie dog issues. I can almost see the t-shirts at Cafe Press now.

    • Now that I know what prairie dog issues are I find the whole concept even funnier and feel the need to start writing the script.

      • p.s. If you joined Twitter I could leave these inane comments over there instead of on this post. Just a suggestion…

        • Yeah, I’ve got some note here from Twitter mentioning something about you. I’ve heard of Twitter but have yet to explore it. I’ll check it out.

        • I can see that Twitter thing is WAYYYYY more connected than I have any interest in being,

          • Alright. I’ll just spam your comments when necessary.

            • Damn, you’re up early today. Spam away!

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